Make Yourself a Great Day

Where to begin?

It has been a while since I have posted here. The holidays crept up on me and kept me busy with great family and friends. The kids have both been sick, but not at the same time. It seems that when one gets healthy and we start to sleep again on a normal schedule the other one is either running a fever or puking on something.

I feel I have been growing beyond my years and beyond myself lately and I want this life to slow down a little bit. My son is amazing and he is stubborn and he talks back and he is becoming this little independent boy who doesn't need us for much other than his sustenance and the occasional butt wiping everyday. My daughter is crawling and getting into things and becoming not an infant anymore right in front of my eyes. Please Lord make it stop.

My wife and I seem to have grown into this symbiotic entity that operates without really having to speak about what we are doing. We both know what we need to do and how to do it and even though we don't communicate to the best of our abilities at times, things just get done and everyone is happy at the end of the day.

We are not without flaws as partners and as parents but that is what makes life beautiful. We fight with each other from time to time and we might make mistakes about parenting or differ in our styles but at the end of the day we both laugh and say "I love you" and we go to bed happy. I guess this is what you call a happy marriage. If it is then I don't want it to ever end.

I always have this intention to be entertaining to you (whatever readers I have left after my hiatus) but today I just want to express to you all how lucky I feel to be living this life that I live. Even though I don't have my ideal job and I don't earn what I ideally would like to earn, I have a great family and a loving home that I can be proud of and I have never felt so complete in my life.

I don't have an anecdote for you today and I don't have a lesson. I only wanted to wish everyone a good day and to let everyone know that we are still alive and we are living life. I am sorry I haven't had anything for you recently but hopefully that will change. I am going to make a conscious effort to write more and to learn more and hopefully I can inspire someone else to have fun and love their life.

A great day, and by extension a great life just doesn't happen. You've gotta make it happen.

Condolence ...

My children and my wife are the most important people in my life. The difference is that my children rely on me for protection and to learn how to survive on their own. My wife already understands how to sustain and could (but hopefully never has to) live without my protection.

This past weekend a child died at the Pittsburgh Zoo because he fell into the African Painted Dog exhibit. His mother was holding him on the railing and he fell. How many times have you done this? How many times have you put your child on a railing to get a better look at something without thinking of the potential for disaster? I know I am guilty of it. It is harmless to do; until it isn't.

Many people out there on the internet are blaming the mother and berating her parenting skills because of the incident but I really want to know how many of those people are parents and how many of those parents are guilty of the same infraction in judgment.

Some are blaming her lack of action for the child's demise. She apparently froze and could not spring to action to save her child. Many are blaming the Zoo employees for not doing enough; for not responding fast enough. What about the bystanders? Weren't there any able bodied men or women there who could have jumped into that pen and tried to fight off those dogs? I can tell you that every time I have been at the Zoo with my children there are hundreds of people around that display.

Who were these people and why couldn't they help?

Call me stupid or naive but I would have been in that enclosure as fast as humanly possible trying to fight for this poor two year old child who just fell into a pit of hungry wild dogs. I would hope that some other able bodied men (probably fathers as well) would follow closely.

Maybe I am naive to think that people care about each other enough to risk life and limb to save another.

Either way, this event made me think about a lot. I thought about how fragile my children are and I thought about how to protect them better. I thought about the lack of empathy that pervades our society. I thought about the lack of heroes out there and how it could have taken just one grown man or woman to save a child's life. I thought about the lack of unity in our community and the lack of sympathy for those who have just lost their child. I thought about the family dynamic that has just been broken by the loss of a child. Most of all I thought about my children and how I would be utterly broken if something like this were to happen to either of them.

For today I will just hold them a little closer and enjoy the time I have with them a little more. Today I will thank whoever it is that needs to be thanked for the two beautiful children I have. Be it God or science I will keep mindful for what I have and pray for what those parents have lost.

I can not bring myself to judge the mother for what she did or did not do because I wasn't there and I did not see her suffering. I will offer what condolence I can with the hope that she can forgive herself. All I really wish is for those of you who are judging to take a step back and think about the words you say. Are those the words you would want to hear if that person were you?

In a world of freak occurrences and accidents there were two minutes past that no one in the crowd was man (or woman) enough to risk their life for that of a small child and for that we should all be ashamed. Humanity is leaving us and we should all take notice to change.

Thirty..... And Counting

Tomorrow I will be 30 (thirty), three zero. I am no longer going to be in my mid to late twenties. I am not a member of the 20's crowd. I will officially be (in the parlance of those who are in their teens and twenties) old.

What do I have to show for my life at 30?

I am a normal man of middle class status working day to day to make a happy home for me and my family. I have two wonderful children and a beautiful wife. I have two loving (although testing at times) dogs who are great with both of my kids. I have a house that we have made into a home and although it is messy at times and a little smaller than we would like, it is home and it is where I want to be. I couldn't be more impressed with my life at this moment.

Rewind.

When I was twenty, all I wanted to be was 21. All I wanted to was to do things to make me happy in that moment. I had dreams of being a millionaire someday and jumping from place to place with my friends and girls and being a superstar. It was all just fantasy to pass the time.

They say your twenties are your selfish years and whoever "they" are couldn't have been more right (although they could have been more specific and said 20-25 are your selfish years. I look back and think "holy shit what was I thinking?" and I just shake my head. You can't change your past, all you can do is embrace it and make adjustments moving forward.

I look back and think that I missed some opportunities here and there, and then I think about where I am now and I realize that I am glad I missed them.

If I hadn't of missed them I wouldn't be here; where I belong.

Fast Forward.

The moment my wife (then girlfriend, I know I know heathens right) and I realized she was pregnant was the single most terrifyingly satisfying day in my life. I knew right then and there that not only was I, from that day forward, responsible for another human life but also that my life goals just became simpler and more focused than they had ever been. It was time that I finally had something worth focusing my energy on; a family. I was 26.

Some people would run and hide and I don't know if I am wired differently or if it was just what I wanted, but I embraced it. It made everything so much clearer for me. No matter what I did with my life from that point on nothing else was going to matter to me more than my family that started with the moment that stick with the two little pink lines said "hey, you're having a baby".

Back to the present.

I sometimes sit here and I complain about not making enough money or not being able to go on lavish vacations. I have become entrenched in my routine that I must always keep in the front of my mind how blessed I really am. I have a wife who loves me (who I love to the depths of my soul), two kids that are happy and healthy who I couldn't live without. I have a nice house in a good, safe neighborhood in a great city. My salary may not be the greatest, or even the most I have ever earned in my life but it has enabled us to buy a home and allow my wife to stay at home with our kids for a few years now, and for that I am grateful.

I really have nothing that I can legitimately complain about in my life. I am thirty.

There is something profound in those two sentences that I never realized when I was 21. Being a bartender through college, the only 30 year old people that I knew were miserable drunks who were always fighting with or cheating on their spouses. Maybe that is why I had such a terrible outlook on 30.

What the heck does this have to do with parenting?

Well, you might think it has nothing to do with being a good parent but I disagree. While lamenting that I am getting older and hitting the big three-o I have realized a lot. I have realized that being older and realizing that time is valuable and scarce I have become a better parent. If I were to have become a parent in my early twenties I would probably be one of those miserable drunk 30 year old guys fighting with my wife (most likely ex) about my lack of parenting.

I guess what I am getting at is, instead of lamenting that I am getting older I now realize that I am enjoying getting older and I am enjoying the things that come with age, so enjoy your time and enjoy what you have. It wasn't too long ago that I had none of this and boy was I lost.

Here is to the next decade; and more.

Learning and Letting Go....

My little boy is all grown up, relatively.

Ryker starts preschool next Tuesday. I can't believe it.

We met his teacher Tuesday evening and she seems very nice. She is very enthusiastic about her program, she has a bunch of experience and her presentation to us parents went well.

Time is cruising on by and I am so proud that he is going to school but I also feel like I just want it to slow down a little bit. My wife is much more vocal about being sad that our little booger is starting school while I keep things upbeat and say that this is a great thing. This is a positive step in the right direction for him and he is going to love it, but inside I am sad because my mini me is growing up. He is going to go to school and start to form his own little opinions about his life around him and he will start experiencing so much more without us at his side. That I can't be there for his development is what gets me choked up.

While that is great for his development and it will help him become himself I can't help but be a little sad.

As he begins his journey of school it makes me think of grade school and my experiences as a kid and I hope that he has teachers that care for him like I had. I hope for him to be made privy to the opportunities he is capable of and I hope that he learns to recognize his capabilities through his education. I know it is a little early to be concerned with all of this but this is what concerns me.

At this juncture I hope that he not only learns the fundamentals like recognizing his numbers and letters but I hope he learns to be confident that he is a good kid and he is a smart kid. I want him to know that he is capable of becoming a great young man someday and this is the first step in that direction.

I worry though. I worry that there is going to be some mean spirited little boy in his class that will pick on him and make him feel bad about himself. I want to protect him from that, but I can't. There will always be those kids; the ones that need to prey on others to make themselves feel better about something. My wife and I always tell Ryker to ignore them or say "so what" when secretly I want to say "just haul off and pop him in the mouth if he calls you a name". Oh God, did I just say that out loud?

I worry that he isn't going to like the school. I worry that he won't listen to his teacher. I worry that he will be the one to give her a hard time and not listen to directions. I know we have done our best to teach him how to listen to direction and to go with the flow but I still worry that his stubborn side will come out and it will leave his teacher with a bad impression. He is a good kid and he listens well 99 percent of the time, but when he gets tired and hungry God help you.

Worry is normal for a parent. Right? I am supposed to worry about him. I wouldn't be a good parent if I didn't worry a little bit. I just want the best for my children (because they are the best children, I don't care what you say).

So this is it. I have to let go a little. I guess it is time. He is 3 after all and that is when you send them off to preschool. Listen to me making a mountain out of a mole hill. 2 days a week for three hours at a time he will be free of our parental grasp and free to learn new things and make new friends and I am making it seem like he is going to private school two states away. Truth is, he will be right up the street at St. B's having a blast.  Let's hope he loves it and he looks back and sees this as the starting point to his fruitful life.

Fat Kids do Win ...

Recently I heard the quote, "Fat kids never win." (hint: it came from a skinny person)

I was a fat kid. I had a belly and I wore "husky" jeans. I wore bigger shirts when I was twelve than I do now. I had exercised induced asthma due to my extra heft. When I visited the doctor for my yearly check up he would literally make fun of me. I suspect he was hard on me because I was unduly overweight and it was all my fault for shoving snack food in my mouth by the bag full. He was right.

I used to eat a lot when I was a kid. Food was my comfort zone. When I was little (pre 2nd grade) I was a skinny little runt just like all the other kids I knew. From 2nd grade until about 8th grade I was a balloon (albeit an adorable balloon). I was still active and I still participated in sports (I was a pretty good baseball player) I just ate twice as much as I should have. I ate and ate and ate. I never met a candy bar I didn't like. Chips and pretzels were eaten with haste. Licorice and Ice Cream? Sure, just put it in the same bowl and throw some chocolate syrup on top of that. Thanks.

For the longest time I didn't understand why I ate so voraciously and it wasn't until I started thinking about girls that I really made an effort to slim down. High school girls don't like the fat kid so I changed my diet and I suspect the 6 days of hockey a week helped slim me down as well but I really never understood it; the eating.

It wasn't until I was in college that I realized that it was my coping mechanism. My parents divorced when I was about 5 years old and I never thought it really affected me all that much until I look back and realize that it was around that time that I started just devouring candy and other foodstuffs. Now I am not blaming them for my childhood obesity (that's on me) but I realize now that was the reason for it.

Where am I going with this?

As an adult I am obsessed with food and nutrition; OBSESSED. I still snack on sweets from time to time but I try to do it in moderation and I balance it with proper diet and exercise. I go years without eating drive thru. I am trying to pass on good eating habits to my children without preventing them from enjoying food and snacks.

I don't want them to go through what I did as a pre-teen. The teasing and shame associated with being overweight was very damaging to me and became a defining part of my life. Kids are cruel, there is no doubt about it. I held on to every taunt and every conveyance of hatred sent my way due to my weight and I used it as a motivational tool to get in shape when I was in high school. It was my crutch for years and as an adult it caused a lot of guilty feelings inside. I felt guilty for eating fatty foods. I felt guilty for the way I chased around girls in high school and college. I felt guilty for the way it all affected my relationships with people. I still feel guilty when I eat fatty foods and don't get any exercise for that day. I no longer feel guilty about my actions because I have come to terms with my past and let it all go.

My goal is to prevent all that; all those mistakes for my kids. I know I can't prevent mistakes for my children. Mistakes are part of life and life's learning process and they have to happen. I get that, but I want to prevent my children from having to put up with the skinny kids making them feel like they are less than great. Life isn't fair but as a father I can help my children build themselves up to conquer the playing field and part of that is to instill a positive attitude regarding food and diet and exercise. Along with teaching them discipline regarding the foods they eat I can take the time to teach my children that disrespecting someone due to their weight or appearance is unacceptable. I can teach them that and hope that they follow those simple rules of life.

As much as we wish we didn't, we live in a culture that regards fitness and looks highly. It is the fit that win the ball game. It is looks that initially attracts one to another. It is fitness that establishes confidence and self esteem within a person. I can't tell you how much better I began to feel about myself when I looked down at my stomach and saw abs instead of flab. It was at that moment that I realized that I needed to keep making the right choices for myself to continue to look and feel the best I could in life. Now that I have two children I feel like I need to pass on that feeling to them so that they will feel confident in their skin and try their best to keep themselves fit and healthy as best they can.

I am no perfectly physically fit. I do not own a 6 pack these days. I am never going to be an underwear model but at the age of 30 I still fit in my clothes and I can still keep up with guys in their early twenties at men's league. My wish for my son and daughter is for them to always feel comfortable in their own skin and not have to feel like I did back then.

It was a struggle getting to where I have been physically due to the choices I made as a child. I religiously went to the gym for years. I still watch what I eat constantly. I have driven myself to the point of insanity about routines. I will not be overweight again.

We as a nation have an ever increasing belt line and I want to make sure that my children aren't part of the problem but rather agents of change for their generation. I want them to carry positive attitudes regarding life and I hope they pass them on to others.

Do fat kids ever win? I'd say I have. I have won in team sports (a baseball championship, hockey tournaments) I have won in academics (college degree, trivia contests) and I have won the heart of my wife and my children.

Fat kids do win.

"Because the dogs lick your faces"

"Sit down on the couch, I need to talk to you both."

My wife and I looked at each other and snickered. Our two year old was calling the shots.

"What is it buddy?"

As if Carter didn't lick his face here.

"I need you two to stop being the bosses. You hurt my feelings."

(giggles) In unison "Why are we not the boss of you anymore."

"Because you let the dogs lick your faces."

The reasoning of a two year old isn't exactly rational. I will give it to him though; he gave it his best attempt.

Lately we have been dealing with a very strong willed son who doesn't necessarily want to obey our orders or take direction. This has led us to be a bit more stern than usual but far from hurting someone's feelings. This is a two year old we are dealing with though so I assume that he equates his anger over not getting his way with hurt feelings.

We thought we got through the terrible two's without him being terrible but I suppose that can rollover into his third year.

I am glad he decided to vent his frustration in a cordial manner (having us sit down to talk) rather than just screaming at us. I suppose that is progress and a testament to our parenting style that he chose a calm forum over a heated battle. He will be a good tactician someday if he learns to hone those speaking and reasoning skills.

"Because the dogs lick your faces .... " we argued was not a valid reason for us to no longer be in charge of the household. After all, the dogs lick his face too. They are dogs. It is what they do to show affection (or search for food from their master). He was adamant that they did in fact not lick his face and that since we let them lick ours it is time that we relinquish our power and let him rule the roost.

He certainly has rule over the two dogs so why not try to assume control of the other humans in the house as well. It is a rational thought.

I think maybe they are all in collusion to gain authority

Needless to say we are still "the bosses" and he is still "getting his feelings hurt" when we make him do things like sit at the table and finish his dinner or pick up his toys before we go to bed. While I am sure the attempts to usurp our authority will not stop anytime soon, he will have to find another excuse as to why my wife and I are no longer acceptable alphas of our pack.


Maybe next time kid ...

A Serious Post

With the advent of social networking (namely Facebook) people feel the need to constantly update others with what they are feeling. I am guilty of posting daily to Facebook but I keep my personal feelings to myself. It would be very uninteresting to others to hear that I am happy today as I was yesterday and that I have little to no drama in my life. I like it that way. I am happy everyday I wake up and kiss my family before I leave for work. The only reason I ever really get on Facebook is because I am stuck at my desk for about 6 hours a day at the computer and it is a good way to pass the dead minutes of the day.

I am concerned with the people who are constantly updating others regarding how terrible their existence is. I especially am bothered by those who have children and they still claim that their existence is flawed in some way and that they should give up. I feel the need to say something in private to these people but I fear it will only cause some sort of discord because they will feel that I am acting in a superior manner.

How can you feel that your existence is worthless when you are a parent? I don't get it. How can you get to a point in your day that you feel the need to tell others that your life sucks so badly that you want to give up, while in the same breath you claim that you love your children? I feel that having a happy healthy child should preclude you from ever feeling so down that you need to dramatize it for all to notice.

One thing that Facebook is is a permanent record that will always be accessible in one way or another at points in the future. Imagine the feelings that your child will experience when he or she reads your posts stating that your life isn't worth living even though they are part of it. I couldn't imagine what I would feel if I came across a writing of my mother or father from when I was a child notifying all of their friends that they no longer had the drive to go on living their life because it was so terrible.

I guess I just don't get it. Maybe I never will but all I can think of everyday is my children and my wife and their faces and those thoughts are what keeps me sane and they keep me from ever feeling that things just aren't right. To me they are all that matter. My job could be lost tomorrow and my house taken from me but as long as I have them none of that would matter enough to convince me that my life isn't great.

If you are a parent reading this and you ever feel that your life is effed and that you just can't go on I suggest you take an inventory of the things that really matter to you. If your child and your life with your child isn't enough to keep you from feeling down and out and ready to quit then I suggest you seek some sort of professional help because there isn't anything that should matter enough to take your focus from that.

We all get down from time to time. It is how we handle it that really defines our character and can define the character of your children. They are a reflection of us whether we like to believe that or not and their attitude depends on yours.

With faces like these how can anyone feel down.

Think before you post. Your children will thank you.